Sorry that no credit is given to the authors of these quotes as when saving them I wasnt planning on putting them online
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nobody takes photos of fish that just jump in the boats on their own
the less secrets you share... the more you will hear
when u find yourself in a hole its best to stop digging
a rising tide lifts all boats
if you want a small fortune from currency trading, its best to start with a large fortune
babe ruth held the highest number of home runs but he also had the highest number of strikeouts!
offence is taken... not given
when youre stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate, and sweets. why? because stressed spelled backwards is desserts
the best predictor of future behaviour... is past behaviour
no such thing as a fat cow in a concrete paddock
most of the overnight successes you hear about, started 5 years ago
the chap who invented the wheel was an idiot. the chap who invented the other three wheels was a genius
when you aint got nothin, you got nothing to lose
read twice, do it once
a change is as good as a rest
i dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
when i said death before dishonor, i meant alphabetically.
putting the laughter back into manslaughter.
when shooting a mime, dont use a silencer or his friends will hear you.
hurricanes are like women, when they come, theyre wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
youre about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.
dyslexics of the world untie.
i dont suffer from insanity; i enjoy every minute of it.
a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
i dont find it hard to meet expenses. theyre everywhere.
sometimes i wake up grumpy; other times i let her sleep.
love is not the dying moan of a distant violin, its the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
i am going to call my kids ctrl, alt and delete. then if they muck up i will just hit them all at once.
i got cold hard cash for christmas. five bucks frozen in a block of ice.
being dyslexic has drawbacks. i once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
without me, its just aweso.
he who laughs last probably does not get the joke.
dont steal. the government hates competition.
you know you have a small apartment when coco pops echo.
ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?
if a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?
i went too a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so i ordered french toast during the renaissance.
to steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. to steal from many is research.
what do you call a black man flying a plane? a pilot you racist.
if you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of johnsons no more tears, would it create beautiful irony?
imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
i would love to change the world, but they wont give me the source code.
just remember, if the world didnt suck, wed all fall off.
whos general failure & why is he reading my disk?
tennis is a fickle sport. no matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.
yo mommas so fat, she walked past the tv and i missed the first season of lost.
if your name was homework, i would be doing you on my desk right now.
hes so far in the closet hes in narnia.
before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. that way, when you insult him, youll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
i still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving.
the noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
the reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
why do we call them buildings when theyre finished? shouldnt they be called builts?
always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
indecision is the key to flexibility.
i told the butcher id give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. he said he couldnt... the steaks were too high.
the vending machine theory "stuff tastes better when it falls".
a jump-leads walks into a bar, acting aggressively. the barman says "all right, ill serve you. but dont start anything."
this girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", i went over, no one was home!
it appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! it is a probability miracle!
light travels faster than sound. thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
coffee just isnt my cup of tea.
you cant break a cake without breaking eggs
life is like a camera, to get the picture. you gotta take a shot
when one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one
which has been opened for us
you can be successful and have enemies or you can be unsuccessful and have friends
the simple act of commitment is a powerful magnet for help!
its easier to knock down someone elses house than to build your own
grief is the price you pay for love
if u focus on the problem the problem gets bigger, if u focus on the solution the solution gets bigger
an investment in knowledge always pays the best interest".
when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. live your life so at the end, youre the one who is
smiling and everyone around you is crying
if humans made it. dont eat it."
you either control your destiny, or it controls you
when we choose not to focus on whats missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance thats present... we experience
heaven on earth
condemnation without investigation is the height of ignorance
books are the quietest and most constant of friends and the most patient of teachers
man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cant read them
i dont know how ww3 would be fought but i know how ww4 would be... with sticks and stones
man digs his grave with his knife and fork
take no notice of peoples opinions when their opinions are of little consequence to the outcome
i would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
a wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers
it is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living
those who say the only vegetable that can make you cry is an onion... have never been hit in the face with a pumpkin
a healthy body hosts a happy mind
we live from one third of what we eat, the gp lives from the other two thirds!
progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things
good looks catch the eye but... a good personality catches the heart. youre blessed with both!
tough times never last, tough people do.
good memory? only liars need a good memory
it takes years to build a reputation, and only 5 minuites to ruin it
when someone hurts us we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. but when someone
does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.
learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone.
do not value the things you have in your life, but value who you have in your life
it could be that the purpose of your life is to only serve as a warning to others
your only as young as the women you feel
motivation alone is not enough. if you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot
a rising tide will raise all ships
dont kill the goose that lays the golden egg
spend more time creating memories
he who angers you controls you!
personal faults are like headlights on cars, everyone elses are more glaring than your own
the difference between a man on the street and a man in prison is one of them got caught
action is the foundational key to all success
if women are far better multi-taskers, how come, then, they are unable to have a headache and sex at the same time
no sucess can compensate for failure in the home.
there is no comfort in the growing zone, but there is no growing in the comfort zone
you either save yourself or you remain unsaved
you dont marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you cannot live without.
anothers heart is a rare and fragile gift, hold it gently and with both hands.
if u want peace... prepare for war
mistakes can be corrected - but - doing nothing can only be corrected by doing something
do not walk behind me, for i may not lead. do not walk ahead of me, for i may not follow. do not walk beside me for the path is
narrow.. in fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
sex is like air. its not that important unless you arent getting any.
no one is listening until you fart.
always remember youre unique. just like everyone else.
never test the depth of the water with both feet..
if you think nobody cares whether youre alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. that way, when you criticize them, youre a mile away and
you have their shoes.
if at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.
give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
if you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
if you tell the truth, you dont have to remember anything.
some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
dont worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
good judgment comes from bad experience... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
a closed mouth gathers no foot.
there are two excellent theories for arguing with women. neither one works.
generally speaking, you arent learning much when your lips are moving.
experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.
we are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse... then things just keep getting worse.
never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
it is easier to mould a child, than to repair an adult
you know your ugly when the dog humping your leg closes its eyes
a pretty face dont make a pretty heart
why is it when we talk to god were praying, but when god talks to us, were schizophrenic?
losers always take the postive out of a loss... winners never do
one thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about
true champions are those who fight till their last breath
if old wont go... new cant come
if you did not see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, dont invent it with your small mind and share it with your
big mouth.
i used to have an open mind... but my brains kept falling out!
never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
if you think education is expensive, try ignorance
i try not to listen to the voices..but sometimes they have some great ideas
some people are alive, only because its illegal to shoot them
whats more powerful than god, more evil than the devil, rich people need it, poor people have it, and if you eat it you die...
nothing
the one who speaks does not know. the one who knows does not speak
sometimes you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down
above all, be yourself, because everyone else is taken
deplomacy: the art of letting someone else have your way
in more than 25 years of working with people, i have yet to meet a successful person who continually dwelled on his past
difficulties.
always remember..when you point the finger at someone else..there are 2 pointing back at you.
what are you going to do for a face when jabba the hutt wants his arse back
shoot for the moon, if yuo miss youl still be amongst the stars
give a man a fire, and hell be warm for a day. set a man on fire, and hell be warm for the rest of his life.
its not success that makes us happy, but happiness that makes us successful.
the man who leaves home to set the world on fire, usually comes back for more matches
good friends are like stars - you dont always see them but you know theyre always there
no matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.
your religion is what you do when the sermon is over.
when choosing between two evils, i always like to try the one ive never tried before
if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best
we have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be
hard work beats talent when talent doesnt work hard
a mother is not someone to lean on, but someone who makes leaning unnecessary...
people are like stained-glass windows. they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true
beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within
the object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his
neither a borrower nor a lender be; for loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry
friendship isnt about whom you have known the longest, its about who came and never left your side
those who fail to study history are doomed to repeat it.
start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
in reading the lives of great men, i found that the first victory they won was over themselves... self-discipline with all of them
came first
anyone can be a genius, if they pick just one specific subject and study it diligently just 15 minutes each day.
the greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.
i learned most of what i know from my mistakes and failures. my successes never taught me anything... they were only based
upon what i had learned from my mistakes and failures. (thats why those who are afraid to make mistakes, or fail, never
achieve the success they desire.)
yes... you can get rich - but - youll have to do it yourself. no one will do it for you!
the word impossible is not in my dictionary
to defeat your enemy you must first know your enemy
if you want something done, give it to a busy man.
good judgment comes with experience... and experince normally comes from bad judgment
theres no coffee break from responsibility
i started out with nothing and ive still got most of it left!
as you grow older you will discover that you you have two hands. one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
speak softly, but carry a big stick
dictionary is only place where success comes b4 work
make hay while the sun shines
the confused mind makes no choices
theres 3 sides to every story, your side, my side, and... the truth
give a man a 7 year lease on a garden, and he will turn it into a desert, give him a liftime lease on a desert... and he will turn it
into a garden.
its the lack of money thats the root of all eagle
when the final book is written on your life, let it show your wins and your losses but dont let it show that you didnt play
successful people do things that unsuccessful people dont like to do
dont let the fear of striking out stop you playing the game
ask a man with a watch what time it is and he will tell you... ask a man with 2 watches... and he wont be sure ?
my uncle is 2 nuts away from being my aunt..
take care of the pennies, and the pounds will take care of themselves
success is determined by your backbone, not your wishbone
the greatest gift a human being can give another is time
when you find something. its always in the last place you look!
quiting while youre ahead... is not the same as quiting
u can lose a lot of money chasing women, but youll never lose women chasing money
the squeaky wheel gets the oil
its like trying to teach a snake to tap dance. its easy, once you get the shoes on them
failing to try is unacceptable
you cant unring a bell
belief isnt an idea the mind possesses... its an idea that possesses the mind.
i can not give you the formular for success, but i can give you the formular for failour, which is trying to
please everybody.
try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
success is not the key to happiness, happiness is the key to success.
i never new my father drunk, until one night he came home sober.
opinions are like arsehiles... we all have them, and most of them stink
waking up with the sun, fills your life full of fun
failure is success if we learn from it.
success does not consist in never making mistakes, but in never making them a second time.
lack of intelligence is often displayed with astounding speed.
conscious willpower lasts only so long against subconsious mind power
the distance between insanity and genious is measured only by success
war does not decide who is right... only who is left.
a good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow
pick battles big enough to mater, but small enough to win
those who tried to do something and failed, are infinately better than those who tried nothing and succeed.
the most important thing to succeed in business is sincerity. and if you can fake that, youve got it made.
many of lifes failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up
to fly we have to have resistince
winning is a habit, so unfortunately is losing
democorcy is 2 wolfs and a sheep voting on whats for dinner
the only thing you get in life without trying is dandruff
people take on the nature and the habits and the power of thought of those with whom they associate with in a spirit of
sympathy and harmony.
communication delivered is not the same as communication received
the faintest ink is better than the best memory
he who chases two rabbits catches neither.
most people plan their vacations with better care than they plan their lives
no mater how far youve gone, once you discover youre on the wrong road... turn back.
if youre screwing up... and nobody tells you... it means they stopped caring
you need to be careful picking your friends... but even more careful picking your enemies
if a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
you cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind
live every day like its your last, because one day your going to be right
learn from the mistakes of others because youll never live long enough to make them all yourself.
if at first you dont succeed, try try again... unless its skydiving, that would be unfortute.
every moment contains a choice.
will-power dissolves in alcohol, along with peanuts, chips and tim tams
i do one thing at a time... i do it very well... and then i move on
be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter... dont mind... and those that mind... dont matter.
the secret to happiness is accepting misery
the most wonderful cup of tea in the world is ruined by the addition of sour milk. once the sour milk is in the tea the two can not
be separated and the tea is forever tainted
no more prizes for predicting rain. prizes only for building arks.
the elevator to success is out of order. youll have to use the stairs,. one step at a time
if the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
how many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change to?
cannables never eat clowns cause they always taste funny
why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
one snowman asked the other: hey, does everything smell like carrots to you?
ham and eggs: a days work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!
dyslexic philosopher - is there really a dog?
remember on the darkest of nights theres a star shining somewhere
if someone acts like a victim and you keep treating them like one, the cycle will continue forever
if you dont know where youre going, how will you ever know if you get there?
if you stand for nothing... youll fall for anything
it is bad to be a victim, it is worse to live like one.
never look down upon a man unless youre willing to reach down and help him.
prevention is the best cure
when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!
the harder you work, the luckier you become
if ive told you once, ive told you a million times... . stop exaggerating
